Obituary: The Walkman

Japan--The Walkman, 31, has been quietly euthanized by Sony following a long period of irrelevance. His tragic end was hastened by the development of digital technology and music lovers' deep hatred of having to fast-forward then check then fast-forward then check to get through songs they don't like.

Born March 24th 1979, Walkman began his life as a chunky, 4-battery using youth, but grew into a svelte, colourful fashion statement of the eighties.  During his peak years, the number of people who claimed to walk as a form of exercise increased by 30%. The exact number of lives saved by aiding cardiovascular fitness and improved by keeping people from becoming ugly fatty-fats is unknown.
 
The Walkman is survived by the Discman (also not long for this world), dusty mixtapes still stashed somewhere in our mother's houses, and hipsters who think that releasing stuff in unplayable cassette format is ironic enough to be cool.

RIP Walkman. You will soon be forgotten.

*Fun Fact: The above artwork was created by Andy Warhol for a campaign Sony never used.