Family Sing-Alongs and Old Sluts on Junk: Season's Greetings to All

In Christmas movies the whole family stands around the piano singing carols and smiling creepily at one another, while in reality you watch and comment that no family ever does that. Yeah, well I came from the kind of family that totally did that, though in our defense it was with less smiling and more scotch.

I can't play piano as well as my father did and I'm not religious in the slightest, so on the off-chance that I do one day have kids and the state does let me keep them, I can't imagine much carol-fueled family bonding around a piano. But there will surely be a good deal of scotch-fueled singing around the internet, because the internet feeds you the lyrics and what stupid piano ever did that for you?

And in the spirit of the season, I invite you all to sing along with me to the hands-down best Christmas song ever: The Pogues' Fairytale of New York. 

I'm totally ready for my offspring, now.

Happy Christmas your arse.

I Hate Bono

A buddy sent me this, ostensibly to enrage me:

How is it possible to agree to doing this without realising what a colossal jackass you are?

PUBLICITY MANAGER: Bono, hey. How's the tantric stuff?

BONO: That's Sting.

PUB MAN: Yeah, six of one, whatever. I've got a money idea here for your next photo op, baby. 

BONO:  Can I meet with another world leader for a totally meaningless conversation? I'd love more videos that make me feel powerful  I can jerk off to  make a difference in the world.

PUB MAN: No no--no video. We need to promote your "charity" clothing line, right? Now you're all about Africa and the God-awful living conditions suffered there, so I'm thinking you could--wait for it-- actually go to Africa. Not one of those horrible villages with all the dysentary and flies and shit. Gross. No, we'll take you to some scenic grasslands and give you a private plane. We'll also throw in some $5000 luggage and then take expensive, photoshopped pictures of you. This way you can promote your for profit company and do some advertising for Louis Vuitton all at once. You carry a guitar, you look pensive, and BOOM--people will see how much you care about starving Africans. Because not only will you actually be in Africa posing for pictures, but you will not be eating in those pictures.  BAM.

BONO: I'm not sure about this.

PUB MAN: You get to wear cheesy, dated sunglasses.

BONO: I'll do it.